If your kids are bossy

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Open letter to today’s young parents

Nowadays, there seem to be some kind of confusion about what’s the parents’ job. As you know, I have raised three children and I would like to share the vision my long experience has taught me:

  • Every newborn baby is an infinite pool of desire or primary impulses
  • It’s the parents’ task to help the child learn how to postpone and manage all these desires, which is the basis of self-regulation and socialization
  • Setting limits means protecting our child from being overwhelmed by too many choices; there is a technique how to pretend giving them a choice but still keeping the control
  • The only way we can do that is say « NO » in a calm and determined manner – and it’s learnable!
  • However, the task is immense because children have loads of energy and time to demand
  • Therefore, setting limits all day long is exhausting but nonetheless necessary
  • Once you start restricting the kid’s space by these clear limits, they integrate them very quickly if you are consistent; it’s learning new habits
  • That’s why it’s important to start with a single limit at a time
  • The good news is that once the framework is set, your life becomes much easier 🙂
  • This might be the time to experience your own power by holding on to this one particular limit (make your voice and body language unmistaken)
  • In a nutshell, why not convert your tolerance into a new love of a kind through clarity (on what’s acceptable behavior, and what’s not)

These points of reference are the “hard” side of my maternal role. If you’re interested in my “soft” side, please also view the article about “The Magical Touch”. Enjoy!

Article in regional Newpaper: Nouvelles.ch

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Don’t miss the article published about Music Homère in Nouvelles.ch.

If you live in Onex, Bernex, Confignon, Plan-les-Ouates, Lancy or Champagne, you must have received the paper in your mailbox.

Otherwise, please read on page 22 of Onex’s edition (you will find the whole edition on this page, right hand, below). Enjoy!

 

 

The Tale of the Magical Touch

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Once upon a time, there was a mom* with more-than-one kid. All day long, she was rushing from one to the other, from backbreaking labour to home, probably even more exhausting…

Everywhere and all the time, she gave away all she had : her time, energy, smile, work and attention. But it was never good enough ! No matter how hard she was trying, she kept saying to herself : « I am no good ! »

Indeed, her children kept whining all day long, her household was upside down, her partner complained about her lack of availability. It was like drawing water from an empty well : such a strain !

One day, her bucket came up the well, empty again – and that is when she hit the bottom herself. She was hearing this insidious voice, whispering in her heart about her supposedly inherent, wrecked self. And that is the point where she finally realized how toxic this voice was.

This moment became a – miraculous! – turning point: suddenly, she started considering the option of turning this belief inside out like a glove! What if, from the very moment she had become a mom, she had been outfitted with a « MAGICAL TOUCH » which empowered her to instantly give to her kids whatever they needed ? No need to give them everything and all, which would have turned them into poor, filled-up children : one moment of authentic presence and the magic flowed through her own hands. As it happens, each and everyone of them learned how to wait for their turn.

Since that time, this mom was able to continue her path, relaxed and calmly believing that she was a « good enough » mom, no longer bullied by the pipe dream of the « ideal mom ». Victory !

*NB: this tale can, of course, be read in masculine form, hurray for the daddys made of real stuff!

What do we teach our children?

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We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France.

When will we also teach them what they are?

We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. Your are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move.

You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you a marvel?

You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of its children.

Pablo Casals (1876-1973)

The foundation of a new family

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Becoming a new parent is great – but what an adventure it is, too! Nowadays, enormous pressure weighs on those new parents.

  • They are told : « Do as you feel » and they might drown in their own emotions
  • « Don’t be authoritative » but what a shame if the baby shows some fussy, cranky behavior
  • They must fulfill their baby’s every wish – but without spoiling her
  • Women are supposed to devote themselves entirely to their offspring, while remaining delicious spouses at any time of day or night, invariably sweet and available
  • Men would like to get involved in educating their children and integrate their « female self », but the moms tend to outrange them by being performant and… anxious !

The listing of standards could have no end, without even taking into account the work of childcare which sometimes demands supernatural powers.

One may indeed be concerned and lose their way, sometimes !

Before being bogged down in some sort of inevitable exhaustion, Music Homère offers accompanying you delicately by adapting our approach, millimeter by millimeter!

Find your own place, with the right to have human (the etymology of « human » is « humus », which means « ground ») limits, feeling good about yourself, far from any stereotyped pipe dream. Enjoy the presence of your baby, toddler, child or teenager and of your partner, live side by side without anybody exploiting, dominating or sucking up anybody else.

The game of Russian Dolls

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What does it mean?

In the course of our development, the key figures of our family settle down in our souls as symbolic pictures. Thus, our inner world is like a stage where these characters interact: ourselves at different ages, our inner mom, dad, brothers or sisters, the emblematic stories of our family line. For example, the specific mothering style of a young mommy is directly linked to the relationship between her « little self » and her « inner mom ».

The particular atmosphere between these figures is the exact reflection of the emotional tonality in which we were immersed in our family of origin.

Sometimes, we might get stuck in some repetitive schemes because we replay those « scripts » in our day-to-day life which then act through us in some sort of unconscious « Russian doll »-game. Deciphering this theater of our souls will help us step back, gain awareness and enables us to make choices, « here and now ». It means making peace with our past and break free from it.

The good news is that there is no need to « get the baby thrown out with the bathwater » ; in the contrary, to break out of repetition is rather a question of subtle inflexions. It is a humble step-by-step path, accessible to all.